Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.