Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.