“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
You Might Also Like
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
This is hilarious….