Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
adding to the discourse
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.