[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.