One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
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Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.