Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER