Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
You Might Also Like
Dear Lord..
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.