Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.