BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.