everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Nice try, NASA
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Holy shit he’s back
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*