[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.