You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
LOL!
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*serious situation*
My brain:
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Morning my dudes.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.