Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.