Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
You have been warned.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me: