Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Social distancing in Australia:
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad