Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.