[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
You Might Also Like
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”