Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
spot the difference
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.