In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
🙅🏻
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
there’s probably a fee though
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
“Sheer Arrogance”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander