“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds