“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.