When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…