“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I know
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My dating profile:
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine