I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I’m not proud
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.