My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
When I can’t barge, I careen.
lmao
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
This week’s mood.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
FINE, I WON’T.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps