What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.