From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Milk Cube
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.