Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily