Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Pikachu found the lost joint
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.