The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to