About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My typo game is string.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?