The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
This one’s “Alex”.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.