The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: