59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.