Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons