I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Always 🥴
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.