just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.