For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.