Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.