*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.