All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them