BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I am also baked goods
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.