Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Has there ever been a more American story?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
We’ve all been there…
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road