Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking