Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?