Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
You Might Also Like
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Baller is short for ballerina
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!