Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees