This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
How to draw a duck
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.