Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers